i'm not ready for this sort of thing

Hokay, so I am still suffering from the aftershocks of a complete DILF overload from last weekend's race. I basically spent a weekend camping in the company of an endless stream of men, ages 30 and above. I have been trying to get away from that older man fetish, so I guess this wan't the best medicine, but it certainly was fun to be around a bunch of well-seasoned, rugged dirtbike riding men who can hold decent conversations. Great.

Also, this week is the busiest I have had in a while. I'm throwing softball into the mix, and I'm trying to get to chorus practice whenever I can after school for our upcoming performance (and I also don't mind seeing my sexy director once in a while, now that I'm switched out of all my music classes), and I really do believe the teachers are trying to kill the seniors by filling up our afternoons with more and more busy homework. Egh. But I'm having a good time, despite it all. I think I have an overly active imagination, seeing as my daydreams involving alternate universes are taking up just as much time as my thoughts about the real world. Yep. Awesome.

Sometimes, it really sucks being best friends with four of the most beautiful girls in school.

Sometimes I hate myself so much, I can't stand it.

I don't care how fucking lame it sounds, because its the truth.

FUCK

The above statement is not a declaration that requires evidence so much as it is the evidence for why I think and feel the way I do so much of the time. So now I am thinking about the pastor in very unorthodox ways, and I think he is jedi-like in his ability to read my mind. Sometimes I panic when I sit near him without intentionally doing so, because I think he will think I am sitting there on purpose. What's worse is I see him out and about sometimes, and I always get the feeling that he thinks I'm insane...which I am, but that's not the point. Also, my nature makes me check for the person entering through any closing door, so when he shows up, I look like I've been waiting for him or something...and it doesn't help that I always look at him from the corner of my eye.

I think I am insane. I need to get my brain rewired to become attracted to guys my own age who are available. Yes, good plan.

Hilary Clinton sucks.

Wait, Dave Matthews is going to be playing a patient on House in March? Hahahahahahhahahah!!!!
Okay, I love Dave Matthews Band. They're in my top 5, no problem. But did anyone see Because of Winn-Dixie? LOL!
Maybe I'm just weirdly amused because I haven't made fun of anything in over an hour, but for some reason, the idea of Dave Matthews acting alongside Hugh Laurie gives me the gigggles.

//edit
Giggles have subsided. Am now actually quite excited to see two sexy men in one sitting. Have decided it is not Dave's fault for being a musician (albeit a fantastic one) acting alongside one of the best actors on television.

No House for another three weeks? Pfffft!

Mahahahaha, I am a dvd-burning machine!
I love this new laptop :)

I finally saw Casino Royale yesterday. I don't know what all the bitching over Daniel Craig's "non-Bondness" was all about; I thought he was fantastic. I thought he had that dashingness that Connery, Brosnan, and Co. have all managed to bring, plus the look and feel and attitude of someone who could actually be a secret agent.

I saw the Pastor today, and I was completely disgusted with myself as I shot him covert looks. He's not handsome, or even all that funny, and yet I still crave his attentions. Not that he isn't an uncommonly nice man.

I watched Pride and Prejudice straight through today, just because I have those five or six hours free to sit on my ass. I can't stand Mr. Collins though, so I usually bypassed his scenes!

My dad is a dick

So I guess I should just face the facts. And the facts state that I have a problem. Well, I have many problems, but there's one in particular that I just can't seem to shake.

I subconciously seek the approval and affection of any respectable man over the age of thirty.

It's horrible. I used to think I just had a thing for teachers, and while I'm sure the teacher thing means a plus in my book, I think it's more broad than that. If a man seems like a good guy, and he deosn't piss me off, I want him to like me. I want to him to be proud of me. I can't stand it.

I started realizing it when my gov teacher went from calling on me daily and praising me to calling on me less often and keeping the praise to a minimum. I hadn't changed my performance in the class and I hadn't done anything differently, and I was devastated. I could not seem to find a logical reason for why I wasn't being called on. I felt hurt, and I felt like my teacher was feeling dissapproval over some unidentified part of my personality. I wanted, and still want, to extract that look of approval from him and I feel like a kid without her candy when I don't get it. It's an addiction.

The other day we went and sang for the church, and all at once I felt an insane attraction to the pastor. I mean, really. I have a problem. I see the pastor a lot now, since he helps out with the younger team, and I can't help but try and do things to impress him and give me that seal of approval. I mean, I feel attracted to this man. He's decidedly unhandsome and slightly awkward-looking, but I just can't help myself. There's also the new boys' varsity coach, who is a damn hot piece of ass.

Then we've got my two teachers that I like to write about on here. I'm over the moon every time they acknowledge me or make me feel significant, and I feel hurt when they don't. And they don't do either thing on purpose. They aren't partial to one action over another, yet I find myself constantly reading into their actions and thinking about them long after they've happened.

To make matters worse, someone brought up the subject today that my gov teacher has a huge penis. Great. Now I'll be busy trying not to look and see if it's true the whole period. I am so hopeless. And I feel so pathetic that I need approval from men that definately can't be as good, wholesome, smart, and perfect as they seem.

OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! House is being an idiot! And Tritter needs to be thrown off a cliff.

And Fox needs to stop being annoying and start showing episodes weekly. What is the deal with having no House until January 9? And with a huge cliffhanger, too!

I like playing basketball. Actually, I like it a lot more than I used to. Still, I wish I could feel what its like to be a star player for once. Generally, I am happy when I do well compared to my usual performance, but recognition is still important sometimes. It bums me out when my effort turns out less success than that same effort exerted by someone else. I wish I was a natural.

I don't know what to make of John anymore. I'm always analyzing our interactions and wondering how he can be so flirtacious one minute and so reserved the next, but now I think it's dawning on me. People just don't make the effort to act one way or another around someone unless they care about how they are percieved. Since he doesn't really want or need me to like him past a certain point, all he does is behave in a way which corresponds with his mood. In one respect, its a happy thought, because then I don't have to read into every little grumpy comment he makes, but its just one more piece of evidence that he really doesn't see me in a way that I wish he would. Not even sometimes. Sometimes, I just want so much for a man to care about me and let me wrap my arms around him that I want to yell at the top of my lungs.

Other than this weekend, I have really been doing well with eating the right things and staying away from unhealthy food. I don't know if I have a difference in my overal weight or appearance, and I think I'll wait a while longer before I really try to analyze it, but I'm busting my ass on the excersise end and the no-bad-food end. So I think I deserve to look beautiful for once. I really want to. It's all so high school, but I want to look attractive to stupid immature boys and have them take me to dances and take me to cheap dinners.

I think about Michael and it makes me smile. If I listen closely, I can hear his compliments and affectionate teasing laced within his usual sarcasm and overall misanthrope attitude. I was actually playful with him the other day, which would make my 16-year-old self faint if she ever heard it. I sort of realize this all sounds immature and stupid, but I don't really care. I feel like I've matured a lot over the past year, in all the ways that matter. But my maturity in the sappy, wanting-to-experience-high-school department has certainly degressed a little bit. I want all that shit to happen to me. Lol. And that's what I like to write about in my journal, and if it comes out sounding like some 7th grader with horrible writing skills wrote it, then so be it. I have to get it all out on the table somewhere.

I'm going to a concert tonight. It's been a while since I've been to seen any orchestra, local or otherwise. But the feeling after you leave a concert is so refreshing, almost like after you run two or three miles on a dirt trail or something. A sort of clarity and simplicity that you really can't get anywhere else, unless there's some drug that does that. I wouldn't know.

The other day, he gave me a piece of paper with some "important dates" on it. I forgot it a couple of days in a row, and I guess it always ended up on the floor. Today, he sounded slightly exasperated as he gesticulated (it was the weirdest series of hand motions I have ever seen, truly) towards the paper and told me to try and remember to take it with me when I left. I gave him an abashed apology, to which he replied, "It doesn't matter what you do, you'll always be my favorite."

As for my other "he," its good. It feels more like we're just two people who can talk normally with each other. Well, at least more than before. And for him, that's saying a lot. He laughs at my cynicism and I laugh at his exasperation. And then he'll be oddly sweet and do something nice and I'll be a puddle on the floor all over again.

Today John spent the shortened class period playing the piano and singing while the rest of us nonchalantly lounged about and blabbed aimlessly. I couldn't help but smile to myself. It reminded me of the scene in Pretty Woman. With the piano. Oh god. Sometimes I think he gives me his 'fuck me' eyes, but I'm probably just imagining it.

I made it into both honor band and honor choir. I only managed to get in 15 minutes of practice in before my band audition (and I haven't played much of anything else lately either!) piece and I've only been in choir for a couple months. I managed to beat out people that really practiced hard and singers who have been at it for years. I'm not really the bragging type, but I feel good when it comes to my musical ability. At least in the context of my county. Lol. My guitar playing has all of a sudden gotten much better as well, which makes me feel good.

I'm getting sort of strong, from all that weightlifting we do in practice. All the sprints are helping me lose my pudge and it's nice to finally be able to see some results. My ball handling and shooting skills are both on the rise, which feels good since basketball has always been a huge challenge for me.

I'm heading to my hometown tomorrow for Thanksgiving. That should be nice, since I get to attend two separate family gatherings - one for my mom's side and one for my dad's side. It'll be nice to get out of town for a while, especially since I could use a day off of my exercise; I feel like an old lady lately! I think I might go take some advil, actually.

Anyway, I hope everyone has an enjoyable Thanksgiving. Get lots of hugs.

Is it really too much to ask to want a man with a brain and a goofy smile?

I really need to stop being a wimp and just lose the damn weight. It sucks, it's hard, and it's not fair that I eat twice as well as my skinny friends, but I just need to get over it and do this for myself. I just need to keep saying to myself, "I'd rather feel great about myself all the time than enjoy chewing that chocolate for five seconds," and, "I had better just suck it up, because there is only one way to lose the weight, and that is through hard work," and, "The weight will not be gone overnight, but after a few months of cardio and weights and careful diet, I will feel good." Yes. Go.

So because I am a complete nerd and can't seem to help myself, I am posting up some pictures of actors that are sort of teachery. Mind, there aren't many truly perfect ones around, but I just threw in the ones that I thought were semi-passable. Enjoy.

( Teacher-esque Photos Ahead )
On another, similar note, I saw John this morning at school when I went to practice. He was using the weight room, which was highly unexpected given the fact that it is indeed a school holiday. But then again, I guess there had to be a reason why he has such delectably muscular arms...oh baby.